THE CORPORATE LADDER

THE CORPORATE LADDER

The purpose of this list is to classify the many different breeds of co-workers that normal people like us are forced to work with for over 2/3 of our waking life. Though it is by no means completely definitive, the most common are broken down into 10 basic classes to help you quickly and efficiently identify where they (and you) stand on the corporate ladder. With some exceptions, most evolve to the next level while retaining their current traits. Higher levels of Incompetence greatly reduce the timeframe of this process. Any offense taken at these descriptions should be a fair indication of which category you belong to.

1. THE IDIOT
This is a permanent position; you cannot evolve from Idiot. He is hopeless, has minimal job security, but plays the important role of scapegoat and pee-on, no matter how uninvolved he is with matters of actual importance. Functions well below any known level of intelligence.
TRAITS: Still wears white imitation Fruit-of-the-Looms from 99-cent store that Mom gets him for birthday with the little pee flap in front and skid marks but always gets dick caught in his pants zipper which is why he’s in the rest room for so long. Often pees on his own shoe at urinal. Tries to be ultra-serious about his work but fucks the simplest shit up, like xeroxing and watering plants. He thinks the Fax machine is the printer so stays up all night trying to get it to work so that that memo you asked him to copy will be ready for the 9am meeting, which of course it won't be. At the office Christmas party he’s already drank too much only 30 minutes in, in an effort to attempt a hit on Jenny SuperFineAss (whom he hasn't figured out is currently being boned by his colleague Brad DoucheFace)---and barfs in the women's rest room---clogging the sink. Idiot does not have his own computer at the office, so while "working late" he sneaks into MaryLou UptightCuntFace's office to surf porn but ends up falling asleep and gets discovered the next morning with NastyBlackShemales.com burned into the screen. Loses his wallet (and left shoe) at Queensryche concert, goes outside to find a place to pee because the line (to the women's restroom) is too long…. but Security won't let him back inside the arena, so he has to walk home--- all the way to Reseda.
Even though he’s 34, Mom can't kick him out of the house because she knows he'll die. Don't assign him more than one task to do... unless you want more than one task to be fucked up.

2. MORON
Would be more of a threat to others if not such a huge threat to self. But don't be misled--- he is often prone to undeserved advancement and positions of actual responsibility, making him a dangerous candidate to categories 3 & 6. An even scarier fact is sometimes this guy has the very important position of IT Person, meaning when your email is f*cked or something wrong with your computer he actually knows less than you do, and confounds you with brilliant explanations like: "....If the email is not in your outbox, then there is a good possibility it has been sent to the recipient..."
TRAITS: Suck-ass, clueless about his own stupidity, so he survives quite well. Tries to have street-cred but says shit like "cooch" (in reference to medical Marijuana) and "my bag". Ill-informed of Pop Culture, mixes bands and TV shows up, like Californication (the new 'Lady Ganja' album) and Black Eyed Peas (" the movie").
EXAMPLE OF MORON: Trying to score points, asks his Canadian boss if he's "going home for Thanksgiving".

3. PUTZ
Hapless and harmless. Pathetic. Similar to Moron, but actually competent (and sometimes good) at his job. Usually somebody's bitch/whipping boy, but whines about it. Completely clueless to anything cool which would be great except that he has so many "creative" ideas, and is often in a position to make them happen. Wants women to be attracted to him but he's overweight in all of the wrong places. Has some unused piece of exercise equipment at home---usually in his bedroom. His hopelessness with women garners pity from even the most unforgiving coworkers. Putz is usually chronically single but always lovesick over some unavailable (and unattainable) hot female coworker.
EXAMPLE OF PUTZ: He actually scores a date with the new receptionist (aspiring actress/model), rents a $319 per day Porsche Carrera 3 to take her to awards dinner in, but gets pulled over on the way there. While waiting for breathalyzer results, Cop asks receptionist/actress/model to Lakers game, and she cheerfully accepts because men in uniforms are hot. Constantly says the wrong shit like 'I wish I could clone myself".

4. The RETARD
It is unfortunate but necessary to include the RETARD in the current lineup. We don't mean "retard" as the derogatory term, we're talking the real thing--- a genuine Down Syndrome victim who clocks in at over 237 pounds. I know, you're about to get all pissy because you have a child or relative who is retarded, but so does everybody else so please relax and finish reading the John Bradshaw book you left in the minivan.
The existence of the Retard is a fairly recent phenomenon---a clever, yet sleazy ploy by large companies to earn important subsidies and city tax breaks by hiring "Special" local workers to perform menial duties. Like the Idiot, Retard does not qualify for advancement, which is okay because if you move his stapler or his pet pencil holder even one inch he goes apeshit and requires a swat team to subdue and tranquilize him. He keeps the same job for like, 20 years and there's nothing you can do about it because he'll rip your fucking arms off with his super-retard strength. Frightening because he has the mind of a 3-year old, but sexual maturity of a 36 year-old so he jerks off really loudly in men's room during break, and can say stuff like "…Did you wash your underwear?" to female coworkers without a peep from Human Resources because of his unique position. Conversely, the Retard serves an important social function in the work place for douchebags like Joe Dixkstrap, who can score points with Mary Beth TitsBottom by being all chummy with Retard in front of her, thus earning the social/sexual currency of "a nice guy". Retard's father is usually some high-level city employee or corporate officer, further adding to his immunity.

5. “HOW AWESOME IS__________________”
...is the only appropriate title for him, since this is all he hears all day long. He singlehandedly holds the entire company together because he is the only person who knows what the fuck is going on and how to do anything right, so everybody dumps their shit on him continuously to save their asses. He’s too smart for advancement and as a reward he is often kept here at the #5 position as long as possible order not to embarrass the fools above and below him by knowing more and doing more than them. Yes it’s wrong, but if the universe was a fair place then the DMV would be listed as a terrorist organization and the Sex Pistols would’ve made another album. “How awesome is_____” Does the work of 3 people, (or 6 morons) and actually has ethics. Has a brain like a fucking computer so everyone runs to him crying when the system crashes. He’s there in the morning before your lazy hungover ass shows up, and there at night when you’re groaning about having to stay till 6pm. The worst part is, he works a million hours not out of loyalty to the company or the opportunity for advancement, but because he is one of a vanishing breed that actually believes in being awesome at what he does, forever stalling his material success. Has total recall, so he remembers shit that you normally have to interrupt your Twittering to look up on your dumb little computer, and he saves the company daily by “refreshing” the boss’s memory during important meetings with important douchebags. Because of him, you are faced with the moral dilemma of needing him to save your ass, yet hating him at the same time for being so damned normal.
TRAITS: Young, Has no social life, not quite good-looking enough, sees every movie before it’s out, has more Star Wars shit than anybody. Rents cheap apartment because he’s actually smart enough to buy a home outright one day with the Bar Mitzvah money he intelligently invested. Doesn’t smoke, drink or try drugs because he “doesn’t need to” which makes you uncomfortable and angry. WWII expert. Folds underwear.

6. WEASEL
Weasel is nobody's friend and he especially hates you. His one goal in the corporate ecosystem is simple and profound: To be everybody’s boss… at any cost. Too bad you're the one who has to pay, usually with your job. He's street stupid AND book stupid but extremely shrewd at sniffing out that one chink in the corporate armor that will land him a Bossdom. He's a cheap miserly cunt in his personal life which would be harmless except he works in accounting or is in charge of your department's budget, so he has limitless ways to make your irreverent ass as miserable as his. He lives alone in his immaculate little condo (which looks like an Ikea or EQ3 showroom) that really only serves as a place for him to watch every episode of "Lost" and "Project Runway"---alone.
TRAITS: poster child for passive-aggressive. Smiles to your face, ruins your life. If you ever dare to confront this spineless wonder about his questionable ways, he'll simply say "Oh my god, that is SO not my style…" and immediately begin plotting your demise. Only hangs out with the women at the office who when confronted, can only manage to say “Oh, he’s alright…”. Doesn't yet believe he's gay, which is where all the subdued rage comes from. Afraid of dogs and large men.


7. ASSHOLE
The most common of all office species, the Toyota of the corporate world.
TRAITS: Would be considered well-adjusted except for the fact that he's mean, a cry-baby, opinionated, arrogant, hot-headed, foolish, jealous, ignorant, cowardly, paranoid and has a small dick. Has huge ego but will reveal true low self-esteem by his near-fatal insecurity about his job position. Has a bully’s sense of humor---no joke is too cruel for a laugh especially if it's the homeless or the handicapped. Loves to hate things for no apparent reason, especially the French and New Jersey and greatly enjoys office pranks except when he's the target. Functional alcoholic, Pot abuser.
*NOT to be confused with FLAMING ASSHOLE, that drunk guy at the party who says to your wife and her sister "…are you CALL GIRLS?"

8. PIECE OF SHIT
Known outside of the entertainment business as the Douchebag or Slimeball, Piece-of-shit is a slightly more evolved species, almost deserving of respect. He has the type of job where you really don't know what the fuck he does but somehow he makes a whole lot of dough doing it. Always has a large wad of cash. He's banged almost all of the female staff worth taking a second look at, which makes him both despicable and your hero at the same time.
TRAITS: It helps if he’s Russian. Still measures his self-worth by the amount of ass he can score, which is pretty up there right now. Smug, immature and shallow, yet bears some classic hallmarks of #6---he's slippery as hell. He's disgusting in most ways--- very bad taste, too much body hair, his Viper V10 or Hummer is the color of French’s mustard. He’ll try to pick up on your wife/daughter then say …"Hey, just friends, homey...." when confronted. Likes to hit women who don't want anal rape on the first date. He's at every company party that has free food and drink, and often can be seen in the front row of most sport / concert events (of a team or band he's not even into) with two 19-year-old drunk chicks that he just met that afternoon at Starbucks. Acts like a Bro, but will leave you stranded at the nightclub / party he dragged you to so he can split with your other friend’s girlfriend. He's completely full of shit and doesn't care if you know. Never tips at strip clubs. His uncles all own businesses, usually tile/carpet chains in North Hollywood or Glendale, CA. Can be seen with others of his kind in Cigar shops, all sitting in a circle in deep leather chairs, staring at you while saying absolutely nothing.

9. PRICK:
Upper management. May have been a #7 at one time but forgot about it. Basically an over-advanced weasel who still lacks the testicular fortitude to truly earn your respect.
TRAITS: Humorless, vindictive, cunty. Pulls rank when he doesn't get respect, which is most of the time. He'll wield a hammer if threatened with a stick-pin. He hates all subordinates. Whiney, a shitty liar, loves to fire you, especially before the holidays. Lives and breathes loyalty to the corporation, which he'll magically stay employed with for like, 30 years. Hasn't yet figured out that you can't be a prick to waiters, so he's unwittingly consumed more stranger's spit/semen than anyone you know. His only redeeming quality is that his genuinely kind and loving wife is having a steamy affair with the pool guy who is going to night school for Business Management/Human Affairs.

10. SCUMBAG
This is the highest evolved of all the species. He embodies many of the traits on this list, but has elevated his talent for SCREWING EVERYBODY to an art form. Natural selection produces very few of this species, making him a rare and prestigious creature.
TRAITS: Something had to have happened to this son-of-a-bitch at a very young age---- he would've been a serial killer but ended up as a CEO. The only time he tells the truth is when he is lying which is all of the time. Talks about his activities in the 3rd person: “It was terrible in there…chairs were being thrown and everything…”. He is indestructible, so there is no lie too great, no embezzlement to grand to sink him as he rises from his own ashes like the Phoenix, each time at a new company. He is magically immune from sexual harassment charges, cocaine abuse and outright robbery. So appalling are his antics, even his victims are in awe. He specializes in humiliation, and custom tailors his abuse to the victim. For example:
He fires the Irish guy with the cancer-sick wife on St. Paddy's day (one week before his health coverage kicks in) then calls his home and tells sick wife to send husband back to work when he gets home. Guy drives 45 minutes back to office, where Scumbag says " I'm not finished with you yet ….!" and lambastes him for another 20 minutes. He repeats this tactic two more times with the same guy. He acts dumb just to make you feel uncomfortable. Calls you "Don" even though that's not your name. Deep down he hates all living things especially himself, making him virtually indestructible. Emotionally unstable and scary…yet you can't tell if it's an act just to fuck with you. Swears out loud to himself during lunches and corporate meetings and if you dare say anything he'll put his hand on your leg in an uncomfortable spot and say "Your'e doing good. Real good, Don." He can afford any automobile but drives the same piece of crap VW or Ford that he had in High School…again just to fuck with everybody. Has a beautiful family and loving wife. Likes hairy women and eats nothing but meat. Dies a miserable death of stomach cancer, finds God in last 5 minutes of life.